In 2013, I decided to go after my dream of becoming a successful artist. I started off selling prints at Oakland’s First Friday Event and then “graduated” to farmers markets. I was constantly trying to make money as an artist. And while I made bits of money here and there it was never enough. I never felt successful nor did I appreciate the people who bought my products.
Somewhere in 2015, I realized there was something wrong in my inners. I realized I was constantly trying to get the next customer instead of appreciating the wonderful people in front of me. This was another aspect looking for criticism and having an invisible sword complex covered in this post.
Myself and success were like magnets facing the same pole. I repelled success because deep in my subconscious was the belief that I was not worthy. I was afraid to sell paintings as I thought they were a fluke. Even though I have a masters degree in art, I was a fake.
Some of my favorite paintings just kinda happened. Others I worked on for months, not feeling the completion or the “yes” until I did. So I did not want to let them go. I made up excellent excuses for pricing them high. And finally when I did get a good offer for one of my paintings, I found a reason to say “No”.
The truth is I am a pain in my own ass. I have never liked the art world. This combined with my need to convince all people of my ability to paint did not create success but frustration. While the impressionists and dadaists also rejected the art world, they did it as a group and used it as inspiration. I had no group and I used it to confirm my frustration. Painting is where I found peace. I liked painting because It was where I could truly express the angry, spiritual, intelligent, arrogant, happy, complicated human that I hid in every day life.
I can honestly say that now there are more and more moments where I get glimpses of exactly who I am. Although I can never stay in that moment as it is not a moment of knowing it is a moment of being. Yesterday as I was painting a new version of “Seven Year Bitch” I lingered in a moment of understanding everything. Of finally getting back to painting for myself.
Not thinking so much and just going with an idea with paint is fun. Or should I say paint pen. Combining these wonderful moments with making good money as an artist is my new Moto. I want to be well paid artist. I am worthy and I am ready.
Questioning all my subconscious beliefs and drives has allowed me to find new answers. Since this transformation in my soul, I am having fun playing with paint. I like painting the same painting in different ways.
Transformation to be my arrogant artist self
has just begun. While the arrogant humorous voice in my head has been shunned, I am digging her out. Every day I am digging deeper and deeper into the debris of conditioning to encourage the bombastic Lilith voice to speak. “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”
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