The strange thing about today is that it was no different from any other day, until it was. It seemed like it was a dream that I woke into rather than woke out of. The wind was blowing in the trees. The water was flowing in the creek. And I realized that I was Truman. Or a female version of Truman with different features in the formatted world. The other characters did not know they were part of the simulation. They, like I, thought we were real.
It was incomprehensible that I choose the game and circumstances of this life before I became. A scientist trying to figure out a problem. On some level, I could totally wrap my head around the game, project, experiment. There was even a kids movie about it, with Woody. I forget the name. Kids movies make me happy and angry at the same time. Live your dream, stand up for what’s right until you are an adult. Then get a job and follow the masses over the cliff with a bag on your head.
I swear I never understood what happened. Once I reached a certain age, bam, It seemed like I was always trying hard to chop off some part of myself to fit in. Fitting in was of utmost importance. It was like we were all elbowing each other to fit in. It never made sense but I was too busy seeing who I could clock to think about why.
Every once in a while I get a glimpse of a vision of a reality that is vaguely familiar. It comes in like fog. I can see it wafting over the push and pull of society. Ease and satisfaction hang in droplets in the air. Then the masked man behind the plexiglass wall gently asks “$250.00 is all you made last year.” I answer “yes, it was the pandemic.” “Oh I see” he said “maybe you should close your business, otherwise you have to will pay over $1,000.00.” “yes!” I say, trying not to do a little dance of happiness.
Organization and Creativity have always been antonyms in my mind. Being a single mother I had a choice to clean or paint. I would choose paint then semi clean in ten minutes like the Tasmanian devil. It was my choice to live in complete chaos. I thought I was beating the status quo. Painting for me, was my time. It was where I found or got lost, found joy, peace and a bit of sanity. I loved being a mom, I just needed to have time to create.
It wasn’t until this year on this day that finally got a glimpse of understanding of what Steve Jobs was saying. Follow your soul. The visuals at center camp in a dust storm fade in and out of the mist. Hugh dust particles dropping in sun light like snow falling. People covered with dust, on stilts, bald with masks and goggles. Dancing, laughing, looking for their bike.
The word boundaries became a word after I realized I needed some. I never heard the word before and then all the sudden it was everywhere. You cannot go into the deep water until you learn to swim. I came into life not being good enough. I was comfortable not being good enough. If I am Truman, what is my lesson.
I am not satisfied with karma and learning one lesson to come back to learn another one. Maybe this means I have reached Nirvana, I advance to the next phase of Candyland. Looking out from my head, I use to only see bullies and victims. I am sick of that view so have changed where I look. Boundaries waft in the slits in the canopy. I can vaguely make it out of my own mind. When I quit trying I feel so complete. When I take off the glasses I realize it was all in my head.
I wish I could say “ahhhh, grasshopper, I understand.” with knowingness in my eyes. Gently holding the little grasshopper in my hand, I would look deeply into it’s wondering eyes and say “Ah Grasshopper, in some countries, my friend, you are a delicacy.”