While the good girl in me, would say salad on the side. I am learning to access and include the hugh part of me that I kept in the basement of my sole. Fuck that, is a sole where the me resides or is it in my ego self. Me thinks it is the ego.
Supposedly according to all the Alan Wattish thinkers. That is Buddhists, the law of attractioners, and the quantum physicers, which I consider myself. However I am not sure if this is the ego me or the me behind the ego. Anyways supposedly we are something different than what we think. As thinking is using the past programming in our subconscious, and as there is no past or future it’s all in our head.
What does this crap mean? Well its some kind of oxymoron. Yes I did say moron. And yes I think we are all moronic and yet isn’t it great! Great because we get to experience happiness, sadness, joy and discomfort. And while I have experienced many joyful and happy moments. I have experienced feeling satisfied and content. But. But I cannot seem to find something I want.
What is this thing I relentlessly chase after? I mean on some level I have had much success in my art. I have had many shows all around the Bay Area. And yet I still feel this need to make money from my art. However when I look at my actions, I think the me in myself sabotages this outcome.
During my last show, I was talking to some women who were interested in one of my paintings. And truthfully I could not wrap my head around that they would want it. I just saw the flaws, like I needed paint the frame mechanics as I could clearly see the metal in the corners. I literally threw cold water on their interest. Granted it was the last painting I had painted and I wanted to hang out with it for a bit longer.
What does that even mean….. I suppose if I had to dig into this part of the me. While I want to sell my paintings, they are part of me. They are my energy, my struggles, my victories and my life as I painted them. And there is something weird about hanging part of my sole on somebody’s wall. While as I write these words I am in disbelief that they are actually coming out of my brain.
My ego’s reason was that I dislike the art world and the practices. However that excuse is the past as now there are NFTS. Which give the creator a potion of every sell as opposed to it going only to the buyer. I must say that the crypto world is in a state of chaos at the moment. So maybe the me in me is just waiting for it to calm down. Although personally I think the I in me is just fickle.
I mean I clean houses for money. There is nothing wrong with cleaning houses but I am actually a great painter. The me in me is self conscious of using “great” and wants to use the word “good”. But either the I or the me in me has won this tiny battle as I am sticking with “I am a great painter.” “I am a great painter.”
Yes! Supposedly once I convince the deepest part of me that I am worthy, money will just start flying toward me. I will have more time to paint, write, and maybe teach. yep yep that what I been believe. So it is somehow about accessing that deep part of myself and setting it free. Liberating it from hiding, hiding in the dark world of the basement in my sole. Calming that little girl that wants to be sugar and spice and everything nice, and being the discerning, self confident intellectual that I am.
So here is your chance to show me that I am heading in a positive direction to achieve my deepest desire…to make money as a creator. Please contribute to my transformation. The transformation that might inspire you to find your own self worth and conquer the insecure you in you. Thank you and have a wonderful day.