I usually write a post when I need to say something. However I am committed to writing a post at least once a week. So the old me would get defensive and start to project my fear of failure on to the readers. Saying things like “Don’t expect a thought provoking post every time.” However I am going to face my fear and do it anyway,.
Yep, as a recovering people pleaser, it is going to be difficult to just write a post. Resisting the urge to use self depreciating humor and defenses to lower expectations is uncomfortable. Not making excuses: Writing on command is not what I do best even if I am the one commanding it. I am also going to fire the bully in my head and face my demons and write this post anyway.
And yet there she is again “my pattern: fear of living up to myself.” The fear of living up to myself has been with me every damn day of my life that I can remember. I love doing things until I get positive feedback. Living mostly in my head getting positive feedback brings up fear. The fear that it was a fluke and I probably can’t do it again. I was enjoying batting on my soft ball team until my dad said I had the second best batting average on the team. Then I got nervous and it was not fun and I lost it.
Not sure where this demon comes from or how to get rid of it and I am not going to try. I am just going to sit comfortably between fear and bitterness and write this post anyway. When I get a snack I will bring some for my two companions. I am done blaming Status Quo for me wanting to hide.
I have never even met Status Quo, so why do I blame them. Well my friends because it’s easy. Why face my own demons of fearing being good at anything when I can blame good old Status Quo. It only makes me more interested in this character Status Qou.
Somehow I just have to face my fear and do it anyway.
Okay here I am , I have “Fear” on one side , and “bitterness” on the other. Now what do I write. Maybe that is it. Maybe it is enough just to face my fear and write this blog anyway.
Happy full moon in Leo. I am shining my ever-loving light out into the world with love and compassion for myself. I am doing a little dance, while I smile and be exactly who I am. Be kind to yourself and shine like the full moon in Leo. Thank you for reading my healing journey.